Monday, August 2, 1999

Um, hey there, Sparky…

HOW HOT WAS IT?: McSweeney's serves up a steaming selection of punchlines. It was so hot...

NAUGHTY: An illustration of (one of the many such) double standard the Motion Picture Association (MPAA) has regarding same-sex/opposite-sex onscreen sexual relations and affection.

I LOOKED ALL DAY... for the answer to a relatively simple question I had about AppleScript syntax. No wonder AppleScript is considered one of the Macintosh's best-kept secrets. It's powerful, but damned if you can find the documentation. Dig this funky URL!

POOR LITTLE SINGLE RICH MAN: So there's this guy from Toledo, right? Loaded to the gills. On the search for a wife. Been on the search for a while now. Can't figure out why he's not hooking up with the perfect future missus. To wit:

"Another point I would make: some people think gay rights doesn't hurt anybody, but I would say to be a single male over 40 years old, the gay movement is very hurtful­definitely detrimental to my position, because I am a totally heterosexual individual. In the past, I would have gotten credit for that. Today, people say, 'Why aren't you married?' Or, 'Maybe he's gay.'"

"I will speak personally. I'm a conservative on this matter. I am a tolerant person, but I believe sexuality is a private matter and it should stay private. I do not believe in gay expressions of sexuality in public, period. If someone says, 'Well, that's unfair,' well, I would say, 'O.K., now we can have a 1950's morality as far as heterosexual expression of sexuality.' But I do not believe that gays should be kissing in public. I don't believe in openly homosexual people! It used to be it was a mental illness. Today they think there's some biological­the bottom line is, the answer to that would be they're now proving that schizophrenia has a biological basis. You're born with schizophrenia, too, but no one's saying, 'Well, that's normal.'"

Um, hey there Sparky: maybe your problem isn't that women think you're gay. Maybe it's that they think you're a backward, Victorian jerk. Eh?