A Conversation From the Cheesecake Factory

Jeff: Did you see that ABC is going to be producing a gay version of Hart to Hart?

Jeffrey: A gay Hart to Hart?

Brad: Yeah, about two interior decorators who stumble onto a murder mystery every week.

Tagert: With Alan Cumming.

The Other Jeff: Really?

Brad: I suppose in this version, the dog's name will be Threeway.

The Other Jeff: Who's going to play Max?

Brad: I don't think Lionel Stander is still around, is he?

Jeffrey: No.

Brad: They should get Bea Arthur to do it. She's got the voice. (gravel-toned) "My name's Bea. I take care of both of them."

The Other Jeff: "Which ain't easy, 'cause when they met, it was faaaabulous."

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Brad: I thought you were dancing.

Sean: Look at them.

Brad: OK.

Sean: You try getting out there. (points emphatically) I swear to God, trying to get in with those circuit boys is impossible. They're all attitude and heaven forbid you don't have the right moves or the right chest or the right drugs. They're like a bunch of damned dancing apes, and no one else gets into the group.

Brad: Dancing apes?

Sean: Right. (pause) They sure look good, though. Damn, look at that boy move.

Brad: ...

Sean: What?

Brad: I'm just trying to figure out if your observing apes dancing makes you more Dian Fossey or Bob Fosse.

Sean: ...

Brad: What?

Sean: How do you ever get laid?

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Cute Boy Flacking for Some Liquor Maker: Would you care to try --

Drunken Brad: (wolf whistle) Well, helloooooooo nurse!

CBFSLM: Heh. Would you like a free shot of [unable to remember product].

DB: Are you coming on to me?

CBFSLM: Um, we're just here tonight offering folks samples of [unable to remember product].

DB: Why me?

CBFSLM: Your pardon?

DB: Why me? There are hundreds of men here.

CBFSLM: Well, um, I'll bet you're one of the...er, taste makers around here.

DB: I'm Mentos? Are you as drunk as I am?

CBFSLM: No, I mean a taste maker. A trend setter. Hip.

DB: You are drunk. How many of those [unable to remember product] shots have you had?

CBFSLM: None.

DB: Wait, wait. I remember now. Mentos is the fresh maker.

CBFSLM: Yes.

DB: You seem pretty fresh. Would you like to be made?

CBFSLM: Um, not right now, thank you.

DB: OK, later then.

CBFSLM: Later.

DB: (calling after) Good luck selling your [mumble mumble trying to sound like product name]!!

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Brad: Wow.

The Other Jeff: Wow indeed.

Brad: He's...I mean, wow. Look at those arms.

TOJ: Woof.

Brad: Woof indeed.

TOJ: Straight.

Brad: Yes. But comfortable.

TOJ: Yes.

Brad: He's like the Brawny guy. Times ten.

TOJ: There's your pick-up line. "You're Brawny. And I can be quite absorbent too."

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

The Giant Queen: What are we doing here again?

Brad: We thought it might be fun to try someplace new.

Jeff: You thought that. We came along because you agreed to buy a couple of rounds.

Erik: This place is...

Jeff: Awfully working class.

Brad: Oh, come on!

Erik: Quite a few women here.

GQ: Too many midriffs, not enough mooks.

Brad: I'll concede there're more mullets than one typically sees in a gay bar, but--

Erik: Is that the cast of Petticoat Junction in the corner?

Jeff: Petty cash, you mean.

Brad: Guys, we've only been here a minute and a half.

Jeff: And I've already spotted two of Brad's exes.

Erik: Ah, you go for the...er, "tradesman" type, eh?

Jeff: Rough trade men, you mean.

Brad: I'm going to the bathroom. If you three cause a bar brawl, you're on your own.

Interior Monologue From a West Hollywood Bookstore

Wow, heads really turn whenever that little bell on the door rings, eh? No pressure. Nope. Good lord, that book was awful. Nice call end-capping it. Mmm...cutie by the stroke books. OK, cool. Things are looking up. Nod. Hey. Nod. Hey. For what it's worth, kid, I agree with you: Freshman is probably more interesting than me, today at least. Eh. They're still printing that? Wasn't he indicted? This much printed porn means the Internet hasn't really reached its potential, I guess. Seen it. Seen it. Seen it. Oh, videos! God, look at my hands. I need some lotion. I hope I didn't say that last bit out loud. Falcon videos are proof that God loves us and wants us to be hap--hey, is that Jeremy Piven over there? He looks like Jeremy Piven. Ah, Jeremy Piven is hot. Wait, when the hell did I start being turned on by Jeremy Piven? Who cares? He's hot! That's not-- Nod. Hey. Nod. Hey. Yeah, not Jeremy Piven. Nice calves though. I wonder if you could consider any bookstore that doesn't have a children's section an adult bookstore. What would that mean zoning wise? Geez, where do I come up with this shi-- Whoa! Hello, little Bel Ami boy. Well, maybe he's the second-string Bel Ami boy. Nice eyes. Nice pack-- Nod. Hey. Nod. Hey. Stare. Really nice eyes. I should prob-- I have no idea what you--what is that, Spanish? Eh, keep staring. Nod. Hey. OK, then. Yeah, sure. Right on. It's a universal language all right. Yeah, heads turn when the bell rings, especially when you walk out with him.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

The Giant Queen: Where have you been?! You were supposed to meet us two hours ago.

Jeff: I have just met the man of my dreams. The man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I am in love!

GQ: Splendid. This is Damon, who has come to us all the way from Atlanta --

Damon: Alabama.

GQ: -- whatever. He'll be attending school here in the fall. Damon, this is Jeff.

Jeff: Didn't you hear me? I've fallen in love.

Brad: Jeff...

Jeff: Sorry. (shakes Damon's hand) It's a pleasure, I'm sure. It's just a pity a pretty young thing such as yourself had to fall in with this bitter crew.

GQ: I hope you'll excuse Jeff, dear. He often mistakes rug burns for love's fire.

Brad: Oh boy.

Jeff: I will have you know that this is quite serious. Just because you can't get laid to save your--

Erik: So! Where did you meet this wonderful man?

Jeff: At the gym, of all places! He's a personal trainer, charming, blonde, built like a marble shit-house. We met by the free weights -- I had just finished my workout -- and started chatting. Well, right away I knew there was a connection. I'm telling you, this is the one! I just came by to tell you all I couldn't stay for drinks. I'm meeting James at the Coffee Cartel in a few minutes.

Brad: James is the guy?

Jeff: Yes! James. (pause) Jason? (pause) No, James!

GQ: (rolls eyes)

Jeff: Anyway, I've got to go. Damon, run while you can. Erik, call me. Ta!

Erik: Huh. Who knew?

GQ: Oh, please. He's not in love. He can't even remember the boy's name. He's headed for caffiene and a quickie, that's all.

Brad (to Damon): You get used to this.

Erik: No, I mean who knew Jeff actually worked out at the gym? I thought he just hung out in the steam room.

Damon: So maybe he's mistaking love's fire for hot tile.

Brad: (spit take)

GQ: Oh, Damon. You are going to fit in around here just fine.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Thom: What do you think of Justin?

Brad: He reminds me of an Oprah book club selection.

Thom: What?

Brad: He's thick, cheap and easy to read.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Tagert: So did anyone answer your personal ad?

The Other Jeff: I got one response. I was running an ad for a roommate at the same time and got six responses, four of which wanted to have sex with me. So it evens out.

Brad: He got better response with the ad in Missouri Corrections Department Weekly.

The Other Jeff: Yeah, but I don't like having phone sex with convicts. It's so tacky. I prefer to wait until they get out and have them over to the house. I do have some standards.

Brad: And no good silverware.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Brad: Geez, it's like a Star Wars movie in here.

Erik: The cantina scene?

David: Now that you mention it, that drag queen over there does look like Jar Jar Binks.

Brad: Actually, I was thinking more Attack of the Colognes.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Dale: Where were you last weekend?

Randy: I went back to Denver to see my folks.

Brad: Everything OK?

Randy: Yeah. My brother came out, though, and mom kind of freaked.

Dale: I didn't even know you had a brother.

Randy: Woody's a lot younger than me, just turned 22. I guess mom didn't have any idea. She'll be OK, though.

Brad: Woody?

Randy: Short for Woodrow. It's a family name, after our great-granddad.

Brad: If you name your sons Woody and Randy, you probably shouldn't be surprised when they both turn out gay.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

The Giant Queen: Oh, I meant to tell you guys about the dream I had last night.

Jeff: You ain't gettin' 88 cents from me, Rose!

GQ: (blank stare)

Jeff: It's from Gypsy?

GQ: Anyway...

Brad: Was it the dream where you're in the Tate Gallery, having a three-way with Eminem and Chris O'Donnell and, suddenly, the Honeycomb Kids show up in latex body suits doing the watusi?

GQ: (blank stare)

Brad: Am I the only one who has that dream?

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Mark: He's cute, and he has the body of a dancer.

Brad: You would probably get on rather well, then, since you have the body of a ballroom.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Tagert: Nice shooting. (laughs)

Brad: At least I hit the board.

Tagert: Six points.

Brad: Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Tagert: What, do you burst out of your shirt and turn lavender?

Brad: Yes. Yes, that's exactly what I do, because apparently I am the Fabulous Hulk.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

David: They're having a sale at Dillard's this week. You buy a sportcoat, you get a putter free.

Jack: A putter, like golf?

David: Yep. Nice one, too.

Jack: What could I buy to get a nice wood?

Brad: Well, I'll have another cosmopolitan. Thanks.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

David: So I was up near your old stomping grounds last week. I went t--

Brad: I never did.

David: What?

Brad: I never stomped.

David: Beg pardon?

Brad: Never, not even as a discontented child. I moved with elegance, the very definition of grace and elan. Sleek and sure were my steps as I traipsed about the town, calling a merry hello to passersby who stood rapt with awe at my confident stride and manly bearing. I never stomped.

David: Are you through?

Brad: Yes, and now I must pee. (trips over barstool)

David (to bartender): Could we get another round? A rum and coke for me and a beer for Cyd Charisse there?

Brad: Bite me.

David: "Bite me"? Yep, that's "elan" all right.

A Conversation From the (Taco) Bar Scene

Brad: Well, then, we'd like to sit in Jason's section.

Hostess: He already got off.

Brad: (speechless)

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Brad: No one pays any attention to small talk in bars. I swear, that's the reason I practically stopped going out a few years ago. I couldn't bear having the same conversation with the same 20 people every fucking night.

Danny: The same conversation?

Brad: "Hey. Hey. How are you? Fine. How are you? Fine. Cool. Yeah, cool. Well, see ya around."

Danny: What if you're not fine?

Brad: Everyone says "fine," even if they have a sucking chest wound. It doesn't matter, though. You could say "I have a sucking chest wound" and they wouldn't miss a beat.

At that moment...

Random Club Kid With Whom I Have, At Best, A Nodding Acquaintance: Hey buddy! Haven't seen you in a while. How are ya?

Brad: I'm good looking, I'm incredibly funny, I am obscenely rich, I got a perfect score on the SAT verbal and I have a 9-1/2 inch cock, so I'm pretty fabulous. How are you?

RCKWWIH,AB,ANA: I'm fine. Well, good to see ya! (leaves)

Brad (to Danny): I rest my case.

Danny: Your world must be beautiful and frightening.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Jeff: Those 'Pitcher' and 'Catcher' t-shirts really crack me up.

Rick: I don't think I could wear one of those.

Brad: Why not?

Rick: I doubt they make one that says 'bench warmer'.

Jeff: I think the one you're wearing says that pretty clearly.

Overheard

At the Clinique counter at Famous-Barr today, a woman turned to her friend and said, "I've been thinking of going over to the Lancôme system." Her inflection implied it was an actual place she intended to visit. I immediately pictured a scene from Star Trek, with Captain Picard ordering, "Mr. Crusher, plot a course to the Lancôme system, warp factor three. Take us through the Chanel Nebula. Engage." (originally published June 24, 2000)

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Patrick: Are you still dating that doctor? From St. Peters?

Brad: The ophthalmologist.

Patrick: Right.

Brad: No, I'm not seeing him anymore.

Patrick: So I guess he's not a very good ophthalmologist.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Kyle: (stares longingly at Eric)

Eric: (stares lustily at Kyle)

20 minutes of inconsequential small talk

Kyle: (stares hopefully at Eric)

Eric: (stares dumbly at Kyle)

Kyle: Well, I guess I'd better get home and...

Brad: Have another drink.

Kyle: No, I really ought to head out. Good to see you guys.

Brad: Bye.

Kyle: Bye.

Eric: Bye.

Brad: (slaps Eric on the back of the head)

Eric: Ow! What the hell was that for?!

Brad: For skipping every single opportunity in the past hour to ask him out. He's totally cute and if he was any more into you, he'd be violating the laws of physics. And you sat there like a stump.

Eric: I'll ask him out. I was just laying the groundwork.

Brad: Laying the groundwork.

Eric: Yes.

Brad: Yes. And very little else, I should imagine, if you keep that up.

A Conversation From the Bar Pub Scene

Mark: If he keeps smiling at you, why don't you go over there and talk to him?

Brad: It's kind of discouraging. While I was at the bar, I heard him introduce the tall fellow as his lover of four years.

Mark: Well, he's cute too. What's the problem?

Brad: True. I certainly wouldn't mind arranging a little menage à...mostly him.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene: Arcane Semantics Edition

The Giant Queen: OK, boys, I'm heading out.

Erik: See ya later, darlin'!

Jeff: Oh Lord, you're starting to sound just like Brad.

Erik: What?

Jeff: Haven't you ever noticed the way he calls everyone "darlin'"?

Brad: Cool! My meme is spreading!

Jeff: Your what?

Brad: Meme. It's a fancy word for an idea or concept.

Jeff: I see. For a minute there, when you said it was spreading, I thought it was a fancy word for your ass.

Brad: I don't call everyone darlin', you know.

Jeff: Sure you do.

Brad: Not you...bitch.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene: Retro 1998 Edition

Ryan: So, how was your weekend? How was Kansas City?

Brad: Fine. Fine. Say, do you think it would be wrong to sleep with your gynecologist?

Ryan: What?

Brad: Just a hypothetical question. Say you ran into him at a bar, had a few drinks, chatted, danced a little, and eventually decided to go home with him. Would that be wrong, do you think?

Ryan: (blank stare)

Brad: Anything ethically wrong with that, you think? Or morally?

Ryan: Why are we --

Brad: OK, OK, so say at the time you slept with him, you didn't know he was your gynecologist. You just thought he was this cute, funny guy who sort of reminded you of someone. And he didn't recognize you either. And it was just one night. And when you both discovered that he was, in fact, your gynecologist, you were both duly freaked out by it and went your separate ways.

Ryan: Please tell me you don't actually have a gynecologist.

Brad: Gynecologist? I'm sorry. Did I say "gynecologist"? I meant to say "second cousin".

Ryan: (uncomfortable silence)

Brad: So, um, how was your weekend?