How it begins

"I just had one hell of a surprise."

"What happened?"

"I was at the airport, rushing down the concourse to my gate and I ran into my brother."

"You didn't know he was going to be in town?"

"No. I didn't know I had a brother."

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Jeff: I have to take something for the office potluck tomorrow. Do you know how to make an artichoke dip?

Brad: Sure, that's easy. The hard part is getting it to dance with you in the first place.

Jeff: (stares)

Brad: What?

Jeff: Seriously, how do you ever get laid?

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Mark: Where did Larry go?

Brad: He didn't say he was leaving.

Mark: It's like he just disappeared.

Brad: Maybe on his way back from the restroom he passed near a quantum singularity and is just slightly out of phase with us.

Mark: Like Geordi and Ro Laren?

Brad: Exactly.

Mark: We should sweep the bar with a tachyon field.

Brad: (looks around) Maybe. But it's already been swept with a tacky outfit field, and that hasn't helped at all.

A Conversation From the Bra Scene

Brad and Jeff are shopping at Target.

Jeff: I need some lightbulbs. Let's go that way.

Brad: But the lightbulbs are in the hardware section. It's right over there.

Jeff: I know. I just don't want to walk through the lingerie section.

Brad: Afraid you'll be given to some impulse buying?

Jeff: It's icky. I don't like to think about, you know, girl parts.

Brad: You know, a friend of mine mentioned the other day how he survived adolescence by locking himself in the bathroom at home and, well, pleasuring himself with the women's foundation garment section of the Sears catalog.

Jeff: Sometimes I worry about the crowd you attract. People shouldn't discuss such things in polite company.

Brad: This from a man who last week at happy hour described, in exquisite detail, the "manuevers" his G.I. Joe and Big Jim dolls went on when he was a boy?

Jeff: OK, first of all, they weren't dolls, they were action figures.

Brad: Uh-huh.

Jeff: And second of all...

Brad: Yes?

Jeff: Shut up.

Brad: Ah, don't ask, don't tell. Got it.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Brad: So I take it you're not from around here?

Compact, Cute Boy: No, I'm just here for a week, visiting a friend [points across the room]. I have to head home on Sunday and get back to work.

Brad: Oh? What do you do?

C,CB: I'm a cheerleader for the [professional sports team].

Brad: Wow. That would explain...[makes vague gesture implying "that fabulous body of yours"]

C,CB: Heh, yeah, I guess. And I was a gymast in college.

Brad: You must be very...flexible.

C,CB: I am quite bendy.

Brad: Like Gumby.

C,CB: Yeah. What about you?

Brad: Me? Nah. I'm more...Pokey.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Brad: So how was your day?

Andy: Brilliant. The weather was great and I shot two under par.

Brad: What?

Andy: Two under par. In golf, that's good.

Brad: I know that. I guess I just misunderstood you when you said you were planning on getting in 18 holes today.

Grocery Flirtations

A Conversation From the Bar Grocery Scene:

Entirely Too-Cute Customer Service Counter Boy: Will there be anything else?

Brad: Maybe. Would you like to go out for a drink sometime?

ETCCSCB: You ask me out every time you come in here.

Brad: It's that apron and that shy smile thing you've got going on. Very hot.

Overhead Announcement: We have a sticky clean-up in aisle seven. Sticky clean-up in aisle seven.

ETCCSCB: Huh, I never heard that one before.

Brad: Heard what?

ETCCSCB (points to speaker): "Sticky clean-up".

Brad: Here's my number. Call me if you'd like to hear it again.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Mark: What, exactly, is Queen Latifah the queen of?

Brad: Latifahland.

Mark: Is that where they make those bath sponges?

Brad: No, that's Loofahland.

Mark: Ah.

Brad: Hand-crafted by Oofah Loofahs.

Mark: Of course.

A Conversation From the Brunch Scene

A Conversation From the Bar Brunch Scene:

Jeff: Wow, guys, we should totally go here for vacation!

He passes Brad a newspaper and points to an ad.

Brad: Read it again.

Jeff: What? Oh. That's a C.

Brad: I think if there were something called the Gayman Islands, you'd have heard about it by now.

The Giant Queen nearly chokes on his mimosa. Exeunt.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Chuck: I was checking out the website for those new lofts. Unfortunately, it looks like they have concrete floors.

Brad: What?!

Chuck: They have concrete floors.

Brad: Oh. For a minute there, I thought you said cock ring floors.

Chuck: Shows where your mind is. Anyway, if I'm going to live there, I'd rather have hardwood.

Brad: Then it sounds like a floor made of cock rings would come in handy.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

The Giant Queen: Are you still seeing that guy you met at The Complex last month?

Jeff: Paul? Yeah, we've gone out a few times.

Brad: Oh really?

Jeff: Well, we've had sex a few times.

The Giant Queen: A few times? That's serious for you. Is he relationship material?

Jeff: I don't know. He's a nice guy, but he seems like he's got a lot of baggage.

Brad: Please. He works for United Airlines. He'll lose that soon enough.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Matt: ...and then we went to see a movie. We didn't get home until almost 1:30.

Brad: Wow, we got done with dinner early. What did you guys wind up seeing that was so long?

Matt: Return of the King.

Jeff: Oh, I've been meaning to see that.

Brad: You mean you haven't?

Matt: That surprises you?

Brad: I guess. I just figured Jeff would be first in line for any movie that involved a band of men and a piece of jewelry.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Kelly: Did you get a new haircut, Kevin? It looks great.

The Giant Queen: Yes, and your wardrobe is improving. Marriage suits you. That little wife is turning you into quite the metrosexual.

Kevin: But I'm from Creve Coeur. Don't you have to live in a big city to be a metrosexual?

Kelly: It's an interesting question. Are there metrosexuals in the suburbs?

(a few moments of silence pass)

Kevin: Maybe I'm a subsexual.

Brad: (spit take) I would very much like the record to reflect that I did not say that.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Michael: I heard something on CNN today about an archaeologist having discovered fossil evidence of what they believe to be the world's oldest penis.

Brad: Is that so?

Michael: Yeah. Isn't that bizarre?

Brad: What's bizarre is that I had no idea Catherine Zeta-Jones was an archaeologist.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Brad: Why did you call Dr. Dan?

Jeff: I went to the movies last night and realized I could barely hear anything in my right ear.

The Giant Queen: Daniel is a neurosurgeon. Why did you call him?

Jeff: It came on so suddenly. I thought I might have a brain tumor.

Brad: Of course.

The Giant Queen: And?

Jeff: He said it's probably nothing. But just in case, he referred me to an ornithologist.

Brad: ...

The Giant Queen: Did he?

Jeff: I'll be right back. I gotta pee.

Brad & The Giant Queen: (uncontrollable giggles)

Andy (arriving): What's so funny?

The Giant Queen: We...we just received medical confirmation of something we've known for quite a while.

Andy: Really? What?

Brad: Jeff is a bird brain.

A Converation from the Bar Scene

Chuck: So Mary Carey kicked off her campaign for governor of California today.

Brad: The voice of the Cubs?

Chuck: Not Harry Caray. Mary Carey. The porn star.

Brad: How on Earth do you know about straight porn actresses?

Chuck: She wants to tax breast implants.

Brad: So that would make her...

Chuck: The voice of the C-cups.

Brad: Of course.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Chris (on phone): So should I come over and meet you?

Brad: Apparently there's a big line to get in.

Chris: A line? At this hour?

Brad: Yeah, it's packed in here. There was a "Bear Pride" barbeque right before happy hour.

Chris: So?

Brad: Well, you know, any time there's a big Bear event at a club, you can count on the capacity being diminished by at least a 1/4. These guys give "belly up to the bar" a whole different meaning.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Jeff: Who was the cute guy you were talking to over there?

Brad: His name is Tim. He's in town with the tour of The Music Man.

Jeff: Ooo! A chorus boy?

Brad: More or less.

Jeff: I should go talk to him. I'm a big fan of the musical theatre.

The Giant Queen: Of course you are. Your whacking off every night to the DVD of Newsies is what's keeping Broadway alive.

Jeff: Shut up. I went to see that musical at The Rep with you.

Brad: I didn't know you brought him to the theatre.

The Giant Queen: Yes, to Gypsy. But he only came because I told him it was about strippers.

Jeff: He didn't tell me they were women.

Top Ten Things Actually Overheard in a Bathhouse, 1989-present

10. "Frankly, he looks better in a dress."
9. "Could you scoot over a little bit? You're blocking my good side."
8. "God, I used to watch your show every afternoon when I was a kid!"
7. "I'm not sure, but I think I just saw Gorbachev in the wet area."
6. "These towels are nicer than Martha Stewart's!"
5. "OK, one more lap. But then I've got to go downstairs and call my grandmother."
4. "That was scary. I'm pretty sure he's renting that room, that boy and that toupee by the hour."
3. "Fleet Week is over. This is apparently Fat Week."
2. "I'm not just saying he's into S & M. I'm saying the only kind of whip he doesn't have in that duffel bag is Cool Whip — and I'm not too sure about that!"
1. "I think that guy's on E." / "He doesn't look fucked up to me." / "Not the drug, the cable channel."

Overheard at the St. Louis Bread Company

Brad: When they kept talking about capturing Saddam International Airport, all I could think of was "Reagan National Airport"?

Mark: They don't call it "Saddam" anymore.

Brad: What do they call it?

Mark: Baghdad International.

Brad: I'm surprised they haven't tried to rename it after Reagan too.

Mark: Or maybe George W. Bush Airport.

Brad: Or Rum's Field.

A Conversation From the Brunch Scene

Jeff: Are you all going to Paul's party next weekend?

The Giant Queen: I am.

Sean: Probably.

Erik: I'll be out of town.

Jeff: Brad?

Brad: I don't know. Paul and I have never really gotten along very well. I think he's a nice guy, but then sometimes I hear things he's said about me behind my back and I realize he probably just invites me to things like this because he feels he has to. So, I don't know. Maybe.

Jeff: Maybe?! Hell, he's called me every name in the book behind my back and screwed Lewis while we were dating and I'm still going. I'm dying to see that new house.

Brad: What would you do if you were me?

The Giant Queen: You mean besides drink too much and use sex like a drug?

Jeff: Besides having to start shopping for my wardrobe at Target?

Erik: Besides bursting into a show tune at the drop of a hat?

Sean: If I were you, I think I'd go, and I'd tell Paul that it makes you unhappy when he gossips about you.

GQ, Jeff, Erik, Brad: (stares)

Sean: What?

Jeff: Sorry. We just forgot this is your first brunch with the girls.

Brad: These aren't "the girls". These are The Women.

Jeff: Try again?

Sean: Um...

Erik: Take your time.

Sean: If I were you, I'd have to visit a Superfund site to choose a new cologne?

The Giant Queen: Not bad.

Brad: (signaling for another round of Bloody Marys) Welcome, my friend, to the show that never ends.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

The Giant Queen: Well, I guess we'd better head out.

Tod the Twink: But I just ordered us another round.

GQ: Alright. An even dozen, then. But after that, it's to bed with you.

TTT: I'm counting on it.

Brad: That boy is bad for your liver.

GQ: Perhaps. But he's sooooo good for my--

Brad: Oh, my, look at the time. You two have fun! (exits left, at a sprint)

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Tagert: What is this video?

Brad: Fiddler on the Roof.

Tagert: Oh. [pause] Where's Elizabeth Taylor?

Brad: ...

Tagert: ...

Brad: You're thinking of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, aren't you?

Tagert: Oh. Right.

Brad: You like to see guys naked, don't you?

Tagert: Yeah. Why?

Brad: Just checking.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Brad: Where's Jeff running off to?

The Giant Queen: The bathroom, I suppose. He said something about needing a towel and just took off.

Brad: Did he spill his drink or something?

Erik: No, he just bolted. It was weird.

The Giant Queen: Say, is he still on his meds?

Brad: I think so. Why?

The Giant Queen: Well, they say one of the side effects of Prozac is delayed orgasm. Maybe...

Erik: Maybe he had one left over from the holidays?

Brad: Knowing Jeff, if it was delayed at all, it was from this afternoon.

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Les: Hey there! What have you been doing lately?

Brad: Not you, unfortunately.

Les: No one has been doing me recently. That's par for the course.

Brad: Yeah, I've played that course before.

Les: I keep telling everyone I'm saving myself.

Brad: Saving's not a bad thing, I guess. You've certainly earned my interest.

Les: I should warn you, there's a substantial penalty for early with--

Brad: Don't say it. We've got a nice little Elyot and Amanda thing going here. We don't need Beavis and Butthead.

Les: Right. (pause) Your place or mine?