Sunday, August 04, 2002

Welcome! Now go.

Without exception, everyone I met in Los Angeles had two questions for me: Why are you here? When are you leaving?

The first question was simple enough to address, once I realized it was not being posed in the metaphysical sense. During the first of my interrogations over five days, my reply was, "Well, why are any of us here, really? I think we're put on earth simply to be good to one another, to grow and to learn."

It turned out folks were interested in a more succinct, essential "business or pleasure"-type response. Well, pleasure, certainly. Yes, please. The more the better. My host was more than capable to provide that aspect, facilitating certain introductions over the course of the long weekend that were, shall we say, tactilely enjoyable, at the very least.

The second question was more troublesome, though. It was asked jocularly enough, but the frequency with which it was repeated was disturbing. It was almost like being clasped by the arm in welcome with one hand and urged toward the door with a pat on the tush with the other.

When I answered that my return flight to St. Louis departed on Tuesday evening, there was an almost measurable sense of relief on the part of the questioner.

After five or six inquiries into the duration of my stay, I finally realized the truth: People in Los Angeles are deeply, deeply afraid of visitors. They are apprehensive of strangers.

They want you to leave before there is any chance that you, evil outsider, will take their job or, worse, their parking space.

Parking is an art in Los Angeles, which is fortunate, since the movie industry has pretty much ceded any pretense of being about art and L.A. needs all the culture it can get. Even if it's simply the subtle craft of wedging between red zones and sorting out five seemingly conflicting regulation signs, it's art and it is practiced nowhere with more alacrity or finesse than in L.A.

When embarking on an evening's entertainment, the primary concern of all parties involved is not how long it will take to get there, how much it will cost, how one should dress or who one might expect to get off with at the end of the night (and how much that will cost). No, the first question to be resolved, upon which all other decisions hinge, is "How's the parking?"

Well, actually that's the first question for natives. For visitors, it's the third. Right after "Why are you here?" and "When are you leaving?"