Thursday, February 01, 2001

There are phases

"You seem to be wearing a ball cap an awful lot lately," I said to Scott as I slid into the booth and picked up the menu, a superfluous act considering I always order the same omelette at the Majestic.

"I'm losing my hair," he said glumly.

"You're not losing your hair," I said.

Scott's countenance brightened. "You don't think so?"

"Of course not," Jeff chimed in. "You've already lost your hair."

"I have 'male-pattern baldness,'" Scott retorted.

"And clearly, the pattern you've selected is plaid," Jeff said.

"Look," I said, "it's not that bad, really. You can take some consolation in the fact you'll pretty soon have that sexy Captain Jean-Luc Picard thing going for you."

Scott groaned and added another sugar packet to his coffee. "Great. Just great."

"It's the next logical step," Jeff said.

"There are steps?!"

"Of course," I said, catching Janet's eye and, through a pattern of non-verbal communication established after a decade of brunches, ordering a Greek omelette with home fries. "You only recently made the move from Ron Howard to Scott Hamilton. At this point, you have the option of embracing the inevitable or going all Ted Danson on us. The next phase, and frankly the most dignified, is Patrick Stewart."

Scott sighed and stared into his mug. After a long silence, he turned to Jeff. "Go on," he said. "You know you want to say it."

Jeff grinned and gestured toward our increasingly chrome-domed friend with his thumb and forefinger. "Make it so!" he said, as the Bloody Marys arrived right on cue.