Tuesday, August 01, 2000

The Twins take me shopping

I am extremely susceptible to "shopping suggestibility". Cleaning out my closet in anticipation of an autumn tag sale has made that much clear. There's something about the atmosphere of retail clothiers and catalogs that renders me incapable of logic. I sort through the racks at Structure or leaf through the pages of International Male and a little voice inside my head says, "You know, if you ordered that stretch Lycra Hawaiian print shirt with the faux-Tiki epaulets, your chest would look just as ripped and tan as that model's." I somehow come to believe that my anxiety about appearing poolside will be abated if only I were the owner of a leopard print bikini brief with mesh vented side panels, to earnestly know that such swimwear would make my thighs appear on a par with, say, Bob Paris.

It was with no little apprehension, then, that I accompanied The Twins on a shopping expedition to the Galleria last week. The pair was determined to, as they put it, "enhance my wardrobe." Apparently, although it was never said in so many words, my assortment of Gap golf shirts and practically ancient ACT-UP tees was starting to wear a bit old on the circuit. "You need something stretchy, clingy, shiny," Twin A enthused.

"I remember when proper laundering could prevent that sort of thing," I said.

The last time I set foot in a Banana Republic store, years ago, they were still hawking exotic fashion styles, seemingly gathered from the closets of intrepid adventurers around the globe. They actually sold pith helmets at one point, I recall. On this visit, though, they were pushing something called "Stretch Poplin," which struck me as less a fashion choice than a good name for a very tall drag queen.

We eventually made our way to the comparatively conservative men's section at Famous-Barr since -- although The Twins were gleefully entertained by playing Dress-Me-Up-Brad -- everything outre they suggested I try on made me look a bit like Andy Dick trying to pull off Prada. After four hours in the mall, I walked out with three "ribbed" cotton-Lyrca t-shirts and a promise from The Twins never to subject me to their efforts at "reform" again.