Friday, June 15, 2001

Nine True Things and One Blatant Lie: The Lie Revealed

1. I have been arrested twice for trespassing.
   
   True. Both occasions came during protests of the Gulf War, one in Atlanta and one in St. Louis, during sit-ins at Army recruiting stations. In both instances, the charges were later dropped. The only other transgressions on my rap sheet are a few parking tickets and a speeding ticket.
   
   
   
2. The first time I ever ate sushi was on a date with Majel Barrett.
   
   True. Several years ago at a Star Trek convention in St. Louis, I was waiting on line to get her autograph for my mother, who is a big fan of her character on Star Trek: The Next Generation. As I neared the table where she was signing, she mentioned to her assistant that she wanted to get sushi for dinner and asked her to find a good restaurant. When I approached, I mentioned that friends had told me that Ted & Teiko's was the best sushi restaurant in St. Louis. "That sounds delightful," she said. "Will you join us?" That night, I tasted my first sashimi in the company of the daughter of the Fifth House, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx and Heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed.
   
   
   
3. I had a small walk-on role in a fifth season episode of Frasier.
   
   False. I have never appeared in Frasier or any other NBC sitcom. Such a role was offered as one of the "celebrity items" in a charity auction at a professional conference I attended, but sold for several thousand dollars more than I was willing to part with. At the next year's conference, a second walk-on was up for bid and raised a near-record price, all for a good cause.
   
   
   
4. I have never fired a gun with live ammunition.
   
   True. Various amateur and professional stage roles have required me to fire pistols and rifles loaded with blanks but I have never fired a gun loaded with real bullets, nor do I have any desire to do so.
   
   
   
5. I paid for part of my college education by writing pornography.
   
   True. Under a pseudonym, mostly for cheap chapbooks and a few glossy magazines, and largely forgettable stories. My "stash" of these stories was lost in 1995 when my basement was flooded. No big loss.
   
   
   
6. I am missing the tip of the middle finger on my right hand.
   
   True. My mother accidentally closed my hand in a car door when I was in the second grade. We were only minutes away from a hospital at the time and fortunately, an excellent plastic surgeon was able to sew up the wound and graft skin from my right arm to cover the missing finger tip. I had to wear an enormous bandage bundle on my hand for nearly a month, but the injury healed far faster than my mother's nerves.
   
   
   
7. I was once threatened with suspension for coming to school in drag.
   
   True. During homecoming week in my sophomore year, the Pep Club sponsored an "Opposite Day". Several of the football team -- including me, as manager -- came to class dressed as cheerleaders, while the cheerleaders donned football uniforms. The principal (who was also the athletic director) ordered us to change our clothes. If we did not, the team members would not be permitted to play in the coming game and I would have received a one-day academic suspension. We caved, but later exacted revenge through an ingenious prank.
   
   
   
8. I have visited every American state except Alaska and Hawaii.
   
   True. I've also been all across Canada and hit some of the high points of Europe. I really want to go on a cruise to Alaska. I am ambivalent about visiting Hawaii, except for a sense of completeness.
   
   
   
9. I have performed on stage completely nude.
   
   True. In the 1998 New Line Theatre production of David Dillon's Party. I played Ray, the smart-mouthed, showtunes-lovin' priest.
   
   
   
10. I missed being valedictorian of my high school class by one-tenth of a percentage point.
    
    True. My choral music instructor claimed he never gave anyone a perfect grade because no one was perfect. In my senior year, that meant the difference between first and second place in my graduating class. One of my best friends became valedictorian. I got out of having make a speech. It was a win-win.