Friday, December 15, 2000

In which I am not a wrap star…

After spending three hours tonight wrapping holiday gifts, I've thrown up my hands in defeat and resolved to go out tomorrow and buy a dozen or so brightly decorated gift bags and a ton of tissue paper. I love giving gifts. I detest wrapping them.

Actually, I'm just not very good at wrapping them, despite years of practice. Sometimes I go to a department store or upscale boutique and just stand by the counter watching the gift wrapping clerk work her (because it's usually a her) magic. Perfect seams, evenly cut paper, invisible tape, handmade bows. I stand there in rapt (wrapped?) amazement, trying desperately to remember every detail and technique so I can duplicate it when I return home.

Two hours later, I'm covered in multi-colored ribbon, paper and tape, looking for all the world like Charlie Brown hanging upside down from the kite-eating tree. The package, meanwhile, looks as though it has been wrapped by a hyena having some sort of protracted seizure.

In this, I am unique among my gay male friends, all of whom seem effortlessly to combine the wrapping elements to create a package you could enter as a float in the Tournament of Roses Parade. Last week, I was over at my friend Martin's house while he was preparing parcels to send to relatives in Wyoming. "Here," he said, handing me a small box of Godiva chocolates. "You do this one while I wrap the Waterford pitcher." After fifteen minutes, I had managed to apply paper to the candy, although neither of the ends lined up properly and the bow was hanging by a small corner of its adhesive. I looked at Martin's package, paper smartly creased around the edges, golden ribbon neatly running along the sides of the oblong box, topped with a bow that he tied himself in the shape of a swan. A friggin' swan! He's doing ribbon origami and somehow, I've gotten Scotch tape in my hair.

"Perhaps," said Martin, "you had better go and make us a couple of drinks. I'll finish up here." I gratefully retreated to the bar, mixing two very strong Bloody Marys. They were, I decided as I added a stalk of celery to each glass, the perfect holiday gift: red and green, warming, cheery...and having absolutely no need to be wrapped.