Monday, August 21, 2000

Homosexual panic sells! (Part II)

As you know, since The Daily Brad began publication in the late 20th century, we've been keeping an eye on the trend of using homosexual panic as a commercial tactic to make a product or service seem appealing to consumers. A number of our readers (two, actually) have written in to share their own sightings of commercials that fortify our theory America's fear of going fruity is sweeping the mercantile.

Alert reader Julie describes a commercial for the TiVo personal video recorder:

There are two bored children (oneof each sex) sitting on the couch while dad, full of enthusiasm, keeps up a running commentary on the finer points of all the sporting events TiVo has captured for them/him, oblivious to the children's lack of reaction. When figure skating appears on the screen, dad directs his commentary solely to the daughter who continues her disinterest while the son suddenly becomes animated, jumps up from the couch and begins to (for lack of a technical name) twirl. The father becomes agitated and demands the boy stop. The boy persists in his twirling, the father's annoyance (and is that a hint of panic I detect?) increases, and the demands to stop continue to be ignored. Commercial over. I am quite certain there must be some connection between a father's stupidity about the nature of sexuality and the desire to purchase a hot-rod VCR, though it escapes me at the moment.

Good catch, Julie! It escapes us too, of course, and in the wake of dad's obvious discomfort with figure skating, we're left to wonder "What would Brian Boitano do?"

Meanwhile, alert reader Steve points out a commercial for Kozmo, the web-based home delivery service. In this ad, a male shopper at the video rental store works up the moxie to check out the "adult" videos behind a curtain in the back of the store. Apparently weary of trolling the Internet for the same tired old hetero porn, he browses the racks briefly before being confronted by a fey gentleman clutching a copy of "Saving Ryan's Privates" or somesuch. The homo gives him a cruise more obvious than a Carnival luxury liner, causing the straight boy to freak and rush from the naughty section clutching a randomly selected tape, only to bump into a disgusted female patron. Chastened, he drops the video and bolts from the store.

The moral of the story? If you're hankering for some video stimulation to aid in your self-pleasure, order it in the privacy of your own home. Our friendly Kozmo delivery drivers will drop it off in 30 minutes or less and won't smirk derisively at you, you pathetic closet-case. We promise.

Have you seen a television commercial or other advertisement that blatantly trades on homo anxiety to push product? Let us know! Keep those cards and letters coming, folks!