Monday, January 08, 2001

Before…and after

It's not too often that you can pinpoint the date that divides your life into "before" and "after." That is to say, you can rarely point to one moment after which you can definitively say your life will never be the same. Better, maybe, or perhaps worse, but fundamentally different certainly.

In an odd confluence of fate or just coincidence, I was reading over some old journals and datebooks tonight. I just ran across them while clearing out desk drawers looking for something else entirely. For me, "after" began on January 8, 1996, five years ago tonight. The first year and half of "after" really sucked. Reading the words I committed to paper half a decade ago made me realize how deeply I was hurting then, how much of a horse's ass I was to a lot of people who loved me at the time, how much I lost and sacrificed.

Reading the language I used to describe my pain, my longing, my dreams (and nightmares) and desires at the time made me realize how much stronger I've become for having lived through the initial maelstrom of "after". I've set those pages aside to read again, more often perhaps than once every five years, to remind myself that "before" was good but, all in all, "after" is ultimately much, much better.