Tuesday, January 09, 2001

Lunch at Ruby Tuesday’s

Hostess: Do you have a smoking preference?

Brad: Well, I like to French inhale, but momma says that makes me look cheap.

Hostess: (awkward silence)

Thursday, January 04, 2001

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Jeff: He's cute. Do you suppose he'd go home with me?

Brad: Are you kidding? He'd probably go home with Strom Thurmond.

Jeff: So you're trying to say he's easy?

Brad: I'm trying to say that, on a typical Saturday night, his legs probably get lifted more often than Carol Channing's face.

Wednesday, December 13, 2000

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Eric: So you've got the Big One coming up, right? Just a few days?

Matt: Yeah, happy half-century, big fella.

The Giant Queen: Thanks.

Matt: It's hard to believe. One of us is actually going to be 50.

Eric: I got you something you can really use, too. A membership in the Viagra of the Month Club.

The Giant Queen: I don't need Viagra. I wake up with an erection every morning.

Eric: Well, so do I.

Brad: Of course, in your case —

Brad and The Giant Queen (together): — it's usually someone else's!

Eric (reverently): God bless them, every one.

Monday, December 11, 2000

“Help” desk

Trained monkey ISP phone person: May I help you?

Brad: I hope so. For the past 24 hours, I haven't been able to send or receive e-mail, nor to access my webspace through FTP. Now, it appears that I can't access the Internet at all through my dial-up connection. What's going on?

Monkey: We're experiencing a service disruption.

Brad: Any idea when that'll be cleared up?

Monkey: No.

Brad: So what's causing the "service disruption"?

Monkey: Sir, it's rather technic—

Brad: Try me.

Monkey: Well, basically, we've lost our backbone. Do you know what that means?

Brad: Of course. Same thing happened with my last three boyfriends when I said I wanted a commitment.

Monday, December 04, 2000

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Gym Bunny 1: You're a freak.

Gym Bunny 2: You're a loser.

GB1: Wuss.

GB2: Lowlife.

GB1: Slut!

GB2: Whore!

GB1: You shallow jerk!

GB2: You...you...

GB1: Well?

GB2: You...MAN!

GB1: Hey. Take that back!

Tuesday, November 21, 2000

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Jeff: So how old are you going to be, anyway?

Brad: I'm still in the neighborhood of 30.

Jeff: And it used to be such a nice neighborhood. What happened?

Brad: I'm not sure. I suppose what I really need is for a gay man or two to move in, rehab and raise the property values.

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Jeff: I'm calling it a night. There's a chat room somewhere with my name on it.

The Giant Queen: I'll never understand what you get out of that computer sex.

Jeff: I'll never understand why you insist on going out in polyester blends.

The Giant Queen: Well, have fun typing with one hand.

Jeff: You really shouldn't scoff. It's just harmless fun. Consider it safe sex.

The Giant Queen: I can't imagine how you manage to get off in a chat room.

Jeff: Ask Brad.

The Giant Queen: Don't tell me you...

Brad: Well, I used to.

Jeff: Why did you quit?

Brad: I got hooked on email nitrate.

Tuesday, October 10, 2000

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Brad: So how's that puppy of yours? Black Lab, right?

Ken: Yeah. She's great, but she's no puppy. She's almost three now.

Brad: Wow. What's her name again?

Ken: Ella.

Brad: After Ella Fitzgerald?

Ken: Yep, because she's black and she loves scat.

Thursday, October 05, 2000

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Brad: Where have you guys been? I was beginning to get worried.

The Giant Queen: We were in an accident. Jeff nearly totalled his car, and damn near killed us.

Brad: Are you guys OK?

Jeff: It's not totalled and we're fine. Just a little shaken.

GQ: Plowed the front end of his kicky little Kia right into a light pole, four blocks from here.

Jeff: (casually) A few dents and broken pieces of plastic. The airbags didn't even deploy.

GQ: I am never riding with you again. Never.

Brad: What?! What on earth happened?

Jeff: I just lost control of the car for a moment.

GQ: You lost control of the car because you were driving with your knees and waving your hands in the air singing along with Madonna, and checking your hair in the rear-view mirror.

Brad: Jeff...

GQ: Then he turns to me and says "I can't believe you're wearing that tonight. Filene's Basement?" In the middle of this little disco dance and fashion moment, bang! Hello? Triple-A?

Jeff: It could have happened to anyone.

GQ: Oh yes, of course, anyone. Madonna-induced traffic accidents among gay men. It's happening more and more everyday. Dateline: NBC did 20 minutes on it last night. I think they're calling it "road flame."

Tuesday, September 12, 2000

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

Neil: That guy over in the corner has been staring at me for quite a while. I think he's "undressing me with his eyes."

Brad: I hope, for your sake, when he's done he puts you in a different outfit.

Wednesday, September 06, 2000

Unexpected pre-coital comedy

"Wow, that's a cool nightstand."

"Actually, it's an 'occasional table'."

"Why do you suppose they call them that?"

"I don't know. I sometimes suspect that, at night while I'm asleep, it becomes an armoire."

Friday, August 25, 2000

Mothers say the darnedest things

Mothers say the darnedest things. My friend Michael tells a great story about traveling to San Francisco with his mom. They passed some time waiting for a table at a restaurant by examining framed pictures of the devastation left in the wake of the Great Earthquake. "Just think," his mother commented reverently. "It was all started by that cow."

Several years ago, shortly after I moved away from home to attend college, I was chatting with my mother on the phone. Our town had only recently been hooked up to cable television and mom was becoming a movie junkie. When I asked if she'd seen anything good recently, she replied, "Oh yes, last night your father and I watched Children of a Lesser Corn."

Unfortunately, I was biting my tongue so hard to keep from guffawing, I didn't have the strength to ask her about the plot. I imagine it would have made a damn fine Hollywood pitch on its own.

Tuesday, August 22, 2000

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

A Conversation From the Bar Scene:

Jim: How about him? He looks like the marryin' kind.

Brad: Actually, he looks coked up enough to be the Marion Barry kind.

Sunday, August 06, 2000

A little sensitive

My friend Jill is one of the funniest people I know, always ready with a rant or a wisecrack appropriate for any situation. I call her a "lip-schtick lesbian."

The other day, The Actor, Jill and I were at Blueberry Hill for lunch. "Where were you all morning?" I asked The Actor. "I was trying to call you to see how your Chicago auditions went."

"I had some sensitivity in one of my back upper teeth," he said, "so I went to the dentist."

Jill sniffed derisively. "That is so typical of you men," she said. "You start to feel sensitive so you rush to a doctor, assuming something's wrong."

Sunday, July 30, 2000

A Conversation From the Bar Scene

A Conversation From The Bar Scene:

Jeff: Man, that guy is really cruising me.

Brad: Which guy?

Jeff: The tall blond number with the striped shirt and cut-offs. That's the third time he's walked by since we've been here.

Brad: He just went into the bathroom.

Jeff: So?

Brad: So that's also the third time he's been to the bathroom since we've been here.

Jeff: What do you think that means?

Brad: Well, he's either interested in you or he's incontinent. Frankly, I'm not sure which is sadder for the poor man.