Tuesday, November 20, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Brad: You know, I've been wondering —
Twin A: If you should have worn
that sweater with
those pants?
Brad: No. I've been wondering —
Eric: If Mariah Carey will ever find the perfect movie role to showcase her vast and unique talents?
Brad:
No. C'mon now! Lately, I've wondered if —
Jeff: You'll ever be capable of forming a stable relationship with another man, considering your inability to honestly express your emotions, dubious sexual prowess and utter lack of fashion sense?
Brad: (smoldering glare)
Eric: We're sorry, sweetie. What have you been wondering?
Brad: I forgot. But right now, I'm wondering if I'll manage to make it through happy hour without cracking this bottle over Jeff's head.
November 20, 2001 at 11:03 PM
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Thursday, November 08, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Eric: Did you see that they're testing Ecstacy as a treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder?
Brad: I'm going to regret introducing you to MetaFilter, aren't I?
Eric: Can you imagine? Club drugs as a treatment for trauma. What do you think?
Brad: I think it explains rather neatly how I managed to put up with most of your bullshit at The Complex throughout the early 90s and avoid strangling you.
November 8, 2001 at 11:06 PM
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Wednesday, October 31, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Danny: I heard Steve was moving to Australia. Is that true?!
Brad: Yeah, he said he felt as if his life was going down the drain here and he wanted to make a fresh start.
Danny: Knowing Steve, his life will still be going down the drain in Australia.
Brad: Yes, but in the other direction.
October 31, 2001 at 10:27 PM
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Wednesday, October 17, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Steve: I think I'd really enjoy working for Microsoft. I read an article that said Bill Gates treats his employees like family.
Brad: You know, every time I hear that, I'm reminded that Joan and Christina Crawford were a "family" too. Sort of puts things in perspective.
October 17, 2001 at 10:56 PM
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Thursday, October 11, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Mark: I'm taking my sister to see Jerry Seinfeld when she's in town. Did you see the top ticket price on that show?
Brad: 80 bucks, right?
Mark: It's not even a Broadway show. He's a comic.
Brad: He had a show on Broadway, though. A couple of concerts?
Mark: 80 dollars. For a comic!
Brad: Maybe they're billing it as "Jerry Seinfeld — The new MEL BROOKS Musical."
October 11, 2001 at 10:57 PM
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Monday, October 01, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Jeff: Oh, God, there's Steve!
Brad: Why are you trying to hide behind me?
Jeff: He invited me to one of his boring dinner parties tonight and I didn't go. If he sees me here, he'll know I just bailed.
Brad: You could tell him something came up. You got sick?
Jeff: I used the sick thing with him before. You think he'd believe I was having transplant surgery?
Brad: Doubtful.
Jeff: Yeah, yeah. I could tell him my doctor said drinking beer reduced the likelihood of rejection.
Brad: I thought that's why you drank every weekend anyway.
October 1, 2001 at 11:03 PM
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Wednesday, September 19, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Supermarket Scene
The phone rings.
Brad: Hello?
Mark: I'm at the Esquire Schnucks. Where do I go?
Brad: I'm going to regret having helped you pick out that cell phone, aren't I?
Mark: You've been bragging for years about picking up guys at Schnucks.
Brad: Years?
Mark: It seems like it. So where do I go?
Brad: You might as well head over to the aisle where they sell "Soup for One".
Mark: Why? Are there cute guys there?
Brad: Never mind.
Mark: I'm disappointed. Where are all the cute boys you keep talking about?
Brad: Try the express lane.
Mark: How do you pick up a guy in the express lane?
Brad: When you spot one you like, get in line behind him and whisper seductively in his ear, "So, do you have twelve...or less?"
Mark: Shouldn't that be "or fewer"?
Brad: Being pedantic about grammar never got anyone laid. Trust me.
September 19, 2001 at 10:15 PM
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Wednesday, August 15, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Mark: I didn't know they served Corona here.
Brad: I didn't know there were bars that
didn't stock Corona.
Mark: It just doesn't seem like it's as in demand as it was ten years ago.
Brad: Well, neither do you.
August 15, 2001 at 9:57 PM
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Monday, August 13, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Brad: It used to be said that a proper lady's name appeared in the newspaper on only three occasions: her birth, her marriage and her death.
Chuck: And, of course, a lady only crosses her legs at the ankle.
Tagert: I do that.
Brad: I don't think he meant behind your ears.
Tagert: (glares)
Brad: Who needs another drink?
August 13, 2001 at 9:58 PM
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Wednesday, August 01, 2001
Overheard on the Airport Parking Shuttle
Note: For best effect, read this to yourself imagining the two roles are being played by the delightful young actors Ashton Kutcher and Seann William Scott, beloved by American film audiences for their nuanced performances in the seminal work of the two-doofuses-losing-an-automobile genre, Dude, Where's My Car?
Chester: Dude, ya know, I'll bet probably the best razor to use when ya shave your legs is a Mach 3.
Jesse: Dude, talkin' about shaving your legs is kinda gay.
Chester: Dude, it so isn't.
Jesse: Yeah, dude, it's like...way gay.
Chester: Dude, I was thinkin' about swimmers and shit.
Jesse: Man, thinkin' about swimmers while you shave your legs is
definitely gay.
August 1, 2001 at 9:59 PM
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Monday, July 30, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Chuck: It's about time you got here. I was beginning to think you had been kidnapped by gypsies.
Brad: In this neighborhood, I'd be rather more concerned about the tramps and thieves.
Chuck: There
are plenty of tramps here.
Brad: No gypsies, though. Although that fellow across the bar could pass for Mama Rose if he shaved his mustache.
July 30, 2001 at 9:30 PM
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Thursday, July 19, 2001
Further Proof That I Am Not Adopted
Mom: Do you have any plans for next weekend?
Me: Nothing definite. I've been invited to a pool party, but I'm not sure I'm going.
Mom: Why not?
Me: Well, that only gives me a few days to get a tan and pecs.
Mom: If you're in that much of a hurry, you'd better get the
saline implants, dear.
Me: Uh...what?
Mom: Well, that way if they burst, you can at least clean your contact lenses.
July 19, 2001 at 9:42 PM
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Friday, July 13, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
The Actor: Does this shirt make me look "too gay"?
Jeff: Sweetie, you couldn't look gayer, even if you had a dick in your mouth.
The Actor: What if I had a dick in my mouth
and I was humming a Judy Garland song?
Jeff: I stand corrected.
The Actor: What if it was Richard Simmons' dick?
Brad: And now I stand nauseated.
July 13, 2001 at 9:46 PM
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Monday, June 25, 2001
A Conversation From the Pride Festival
Terry: Can you believe those lines at the food booths?
Brad: They're not that bad.
Terry: Not that bad? I had to wait nearly 45 minutes just for a Coke and a foot-long.
Brad: I've been waiting 17 years for a foot-long. It's all relative.
June 25, 2001 at 4:37 PM
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Wednesday, June 20, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Jeff: Sometimes I look around and think of all these different types of men as elements on the Gay Occasional Table.
Brad: You mean periodic table?
Jeff: Whatever.
The Giant Queen: That would explain the heavy metal twink you took home Saturday night then.
Jeff: And you would be a noble gasbag.
Brad: OK, what about that guy over there?
Jeff: Bearium. You can tell by his mass.
Brad: And him?
Jeff: Trolline. Bitter, acidic.
The Giant Queen: He's given this some thought.
Brad: And the blond number by the bar?
Jeff: I'm not sure, but I'd bet if I bought him a drink, I could convert him to Trickium.
June 20, 2001 at 4:40 PM
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Friday, June 08, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Jeff: What about that one? He's cute. What do you know about him?
Brad: Why do you always assume I have a mental dossier on every man you want to take home?
Jeff: Because you usually do.
Brad: I think he goes to Wash. U. His name is Mitch, or maybe Mike, but I usually hear people call him "Trooper" or "Troop." I don't know why.
Jeff: Mmmm. Maybe he's in the military?
Brad: You're picturing dog tags on your nightstand right now, aren't you?
Jeff: He's adorable.
Brad: He's very young.
Jeff: So? He could be chicken Troop for my soul.
June 8, 2001 at 4:47 PM
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Monday, June 04, 2001
A Conversation From the (Piano) Bar Scene
Brad: Wow, I haven't heard this song in a while.
Chuck: It's the very definition of a standard, something that can be done over and over again in many different styles and still hold up.
Brad: Yes. Like you.
Chuck: Precisely.
June 4, 2001 at 4:51 PM
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Wednesday, March 21, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Brad: He doesn't have much of a personality, does he?
Tim: Well, as personality goes, what he lacks in quality, he makes up in quantity.
March 21, 2001 at 4:19 PM
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Wednesday, March 07, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Brad: Here's your water.
Julian: Thanks.
Brad: What's that you're taking?
Julian: I don't know.
Brad: You don't know?!
Julian: I found them in Jeff's rucksack while he was in the shower. I figure they're probably mood-altering and, frankly, any one's better than the bitchy one I'm in now.
March 7, 2001 at 4:25 PM
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Tuesday, February 27, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Brad: What are you giving up for Lent?
Chuck: I'm not telling you.
Brad: Is that because if you tell me, it won't come true? I'm just not clear on the dogma.
February 27, 2001 at 4:03 PM
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Thursday, February 22, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Brad: I haven't seen you in ages.
Dan: I know. I get that way when I first start dating someone. I just don't come out to the bars.
Brad: You're dating someone?
Dan: Yeah, Kelly. He's right over there. (points)
Brad: You're dating Kelly?!
Dan: Yeah. Two weeks now.
Brad: So, by now, you've realized he's insane?
Dan: What makes you say he's insane?
Brad: Propriety. "Insane" is more polite than "fucking loon."
Dan: He's...not insane. He just...well, he marches to the beat of a different drummer, I'll give you that.
Brad: Different drummer? Danny, he's got enough different personalities to hold a whole DCI competition in his head.
February 22, 2001 at 4:05 PM
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Tuesday, February 13, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Tim: Where have you been?
Brad: In the can. Some guy was showing me his Prince Albert.
Tim: (pause, staring)
Brad: What?
Tim: Give me your keys. When you pass up a line like that, you're too drunk to drive.
February 13, 2001 at 4:11 PM
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Tuesday, January 30, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Jeff: So did you dress in the dark or what?
Brad: Why?
Jeff: Honey, those pants, that shirt?
Brad: You're saying these don't go together?
Jeff: Those not only don't go together, it appears that they had a rancorous relationship followed by a rather nasty breakup. They should make Gay Garanimals for people like you.
Brad: I thought that's what the "hankie code" was for, to find a pair that matches.
January 30, 2001 at 3:29 PM
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Thursday, January 25, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Jim: We're having "Movie Night" on Friday. You wanna come over?
Brad: Who's "we"?
Jim: Oh, just a few folks. Me and Jason, Philip and Ian, Mike and Jeff, James and --
Brad: I don't think so.
Jim: What? Why not?
Brad: Listen, it's nothing personal. It's just that all of my friends are pairing off right now and I'm a little sensitive about being single.
Jim: You?
Brad: I know, it's silly. But lately I've really been feeling like a third wheel everywhere I go. I went to a party a couple of weeks ago and Norman was introducing me around the room. It was like, "Ed and Steve, Liz and Charlie, Mike and Michael, Paul and Jason, this is Brad...and nobody."
Jim: Aw, come on. It wouldn't be like that.
Brad: Will there be any single men there besides me?
Jim: Er, probably not.
Brad: Look, maybe you're right. I am being silly. It just seems like everyone is in a couple but me right now and with Valentine's Day coming up, everywhere I look is a reminder of that. I'll come, OK? What are you planning on watching, anyway?
Jim: (pause) I don't want to tell you.
Brad: What are you showing?
Jim:
Romeo & Juliet.
January 25, 2001 at 3:31 PM
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Wednesday, January 17, 2001
A Conversation From the Bar Scene
Guy #1: And the worst part? While he's in the john, I'm looking through his CD collection. He has six John Tesh albums!
Guy #2: Ugh.
Guy #3: John Tesh? Who's John Tesh?
Guy #1: He's that guy who used to be on Entertainment Tonight and now is, like, a new agey composer guy.
Guy #3: Like Yanni.
Guy #2: Please. He's not even good enough to be Yanni.
Guy #1: He's a Yanni-wannabe.
Guy #2: A real Yanni-come-lately.
January 17, 2001 at 3:40 PM
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Brad L. Graham is a writer, editor, riverboat gambler, fashion consultant, softshoe dancer, professional assassin, freelance factotum and singer of sentimental ballads.The BradLands is his home on the web.